Masonic Humour

Two Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick black cloud formed between them and the ground below. Being without instruments, they were truly lost. After about a half an hour they came across a large hole in the clouds and saw a man below walking his dog.

After some conversation they realized that the man on the ground was from the Craft also. The men in the balloon asked the Brother on the ground exactly where was their location. The man on the ground replied, "About 200 feet in the air; in a balloon."

Just then the black cloud closed up and the Brothers in the balloon were alone again. One Brother turned to the other and said, I bet that Brother is the Secretary of his Lodge. The other Brother asked "How do you know that?" The first Brother replied,

"What he just told us was absolutely true - but in our present predicament it is totally useless."

WM, W.Bro Philip Johnson

Responding to Bro. Graham A. Cooper

January 2006

HEALTH AND FITNESS - THE FACTS

Q1: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q2: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. If you need grain then eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q3: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q4: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q5: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good

Q6: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q7: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q8: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q9: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q10: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: "Round" is a shape isn't it?

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Bro. Graham A. Cooper

Toast to WM at Festive Board January 2006

The Masonic Lodge Structure

The Senior Warden
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than an Intercity Express
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on Water
Gives policy to God
 
The Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a goods train
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on the water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

The Senior Deacon
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind
Is almost as powerful as a goods train
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet
Walks on water of a swimming pool
Talks with God if special dispensation is given
 
The Junior Deacon
Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
 

The Inner Guard
Runs into buildings
Recognizes trains two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life vest
Talks to walls
 
The Outer Guard
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
 
The Worshipful Master
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
HE IS GOD !

Senior Warden

Explained in the toast to WM at Festive Board October 2005

A small Lodge has had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master asked the candidate what he most desired.

the candidate replied "a beer!"

At this juncture the WM, being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.

"OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer!"

* * * * *

Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a Lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of his case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case.

Mike asks "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff?"

John gives a quick look and whispers "You remember the installation meeting last year?"

Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them! I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of my case, washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!"

WM, W.Bro Philip Johnson

Responding on behalf of visitor at Lodge of Old Clee No. 8697

October 2005

Very few of the Brethren are aware that shortly after your installation, you were out walking at 1 am - a bit the worse for wear, when a policemen stopped you and asked where you were going in that condition. Like any law abiding Worshipful Master you replied you were on your way to a Masonic Lecture. The policeman asked where can you possible get a Masonic Lecture at this time of night? And you replied, "From my wife, when I get home!"

* * * * *

It seems another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, what Lodge? Proudly the Master replied Lodge of Charity No. 4105. St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodges' name on a brass plate, and strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the ritual. The Master the asked where his Lodges' clock was as he couldn't see it!

St. Peter replied "Why it's in the kitchen of course."

"The kitchen!" said the Master.

"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Bro. Brian Tilley

Both told in the toast to WM at Festive Board June 2005

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go back to New Zealand, but I hate the long flight. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to New Zealand."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Lodge Committee Meeting all the PMs would just get along, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and agree!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

Bro. Graham A. Cooper

Toast to WM at Festive Board April 2005

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three, one to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs!

WM, W.Bro J. P Tottle

Installation Festive Board October 2004 (told in bar to be exact!)

Wife says to her husband - "Why do you spend so much time in the toilet with that little black book?"
"Well, dear, it is the only tyled room in the house!"

WM, W.Bro J. P Tottle

Installation Festive Board October 2004 (told in bar to be exact!)

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
Wife: Well how'd it go ?
Initiate: Very well - most interesting
Wife: What did go on ?
Initiate: I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
Wife: Well is there anything you "can" tell me ?
Initiate: Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge - walkers, talkers and Holy men.
Wife: What do they do - if you can tell me ?
Initiate: The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
Wife: And the Holy men ?  What of them ?
Initiate: They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

WM, W.Bro J. P Tottle

Installation Festive Board October 2004 (told in bar to be exact!)

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the detective who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman," "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

WM, W.Bro J. P Tottle

Installation Festive Board October 2004

When Bro. Johnson and I recently visited Grand Lodge, we were walking down Gt. Queen Street past a Masonic Regalia shop; I noticed an advert in the window 'Masonic Parrots for sale'.
Curiosity made us enter the shop and enquire "What is this Masonic Parrot advert all about".
The shopkeeper immediately showed us through to the back of the shop where there, on a tall perch, was a Parrot, light blue in colour. "That’s a Master Parrot. He can recite all three degrees word perfect and will always prompt you when your learning them" he said.
"How much" we asked………….. "£10,000.00" he said.
"That’s a lot of dosh Bro. Johnson retorted. Have you any other Parrots?"
"Yes", said the shopkeeper. He went in the back and returned with this magnificent Dark Blue Parrot. "This is a Provincial Grand Parrot". He said. "It can recite all three degrees and all the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck. Word perfect. He will cost you £25,000.00".
"Blimey!" I said. "Have you anything cheaper?"
The shopkeeper disappeared again and returned with this old bird in Dark Blue but with gold braid down its wings and on its tail. "This is a Grand Parrot" he said. "he is only a Tenner"

"Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" I asked,

"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake he just sits there and goes, tut! tut! tut!!"

Bro. G.A Cooper

Toast to WM Festive Board April 2004